The girls who went away?

Question

i cried while i read that book. then i wondered, is there a book that is of this era, the "open" adoption myth? anyone interested or capable of wanting to compile one? there are some people on this sight who really know how to get to the HEART of the questions.

to the enlightened AP's, please don't think this is about you. there are some wonderful AP's on this site, who not only share in our pain, but show great compassion.

Answer 1

I don't know, Red.

I have heard that there's a book advising PAPs how to scam out of an open adoption, though.

Anyone know what it's called?

Answer 2

I read the book recently, it was a real gut-wrenching read that left me quite depressed. Even though I lost my son to adoption in 1984 - post Roe v Wade, I was amazed by how so many of the feelings expressed by these women were similar to my own.

I think writing a book on experiences of open adoptions, open adoptions that close, and even closed adoptions post Roe v Wade would show that while some things have change - not much really has. The BSE (baby scoop era) of the 1960s and 70s was the setting for so much of what still goes on today. Adoption agencies and professionals have learned from those women as well, and they've used their knowledge to introduce new coercive tactics in order to get infants from young vulnerable women (ie: scholarships available only to women who relinquish their children, the promise of an open adoption, etc).

As for prospective adoptive parents getting scammed - all the more reason to have more literature out there for people to read, if they really are interested.

I wouldn't wait another 10 years down the road until children of open adoptions become adults and begin to talk about their experiences. You, as a mother are experiencing a closed - open adoption NOW. YOUR experiences and feelings might enlighten some other women thinking about choosing to place their child BECAUSE they think they know what open adoptions are about.

As for a book like this not being main stream? Probably not - yet! Here are some other books that probably aren't considered main stream by pro-adoption people either:

Unlearning Adoption by Jessica DelBalzo BookSurge Publishing

Shedding Light on... the Dark Side of Adoption and The Stork Market by Mirah Riben Advocate Publications

Adoption: Uncharted Waters by David Kirschner Juneau Press

...they've been published! There are companies out there who you can work with.

No, of course you wouldn't expect “adoption specific presses” to publish anything relevant to the other side of the happy adoption experience, but there are publishers out there who will.

Answer 3

I am writing a book.  Still getting my thoughts down on paper.  I was thinking, maybe with different women and different situations, different outlooks, but all with the same bottom line - the best interest of the child.  If you are interested, email me.  I am here anytime.  [e-mail]

Answer 4

Seventeen years ago we were overjoyed to participate in an open adoption with our son and his birthmother.  We fell in love with her as we did our son.  I think I was a bit disappointed in the fact that she had chosen no physical contact with him, but she sent books, letters and on a couple occaisions a phone call.  We would hear from her at first quite a bit, but as the years have passed, little from her.  On his 16th birthday he not only heard from his 1st mother, but his 1/2 sister as well.  

My son has always known his situation, he knows of his 1st father although he has not heard from him, but just knowing that he is a look in the phone book away has made his adoption "journey" so much more peaceful.  

I have been grateful to our agency who took great pains to keep everyone involved and up to date with everything going on in each of our lives so our son was never left to wonder anything.  They also took very good care of our birthmother taking care of all of her needs both mental and physical and yes, emotional!! We are very grateful to have a fabulous son who is very well adjusted and extremely happy.

Answer 5

There isn't such a book yet, and I don't think the mainstream presses are interested in such a book, it's too new, and not of interest to a wide enough audience.  The adoption specific presses wouldn't be likely to print such a book either, it would cut into their funding sources.  maybe ten years from now, when the kids of "open" adoptions are adults, but not now.

btw... some of us oldsters don't speak "text message"  would you mind writing in English, please?  Your question was very hard to get through!  ;)

Answer 6

If someone does compile such a book, please remember that adoptive parents can sometimes also be fulled in the "open" adoption agreement.  While I'm sure it is rare, and probably doesn't make sense to most, we have a situation where our son's bio parents agreed to stay in contact especially because of his genetic disorder, and they have not.  They moved away, got remarried to other people, and basically wrote our son off.  We do have access to the bio-father through the bio grandparents who we are still close to, but if they try to even mention our son, he just stops talking to them - sometimes for months!  

Trust me, I can completely understand that my scenario does not weigh in comparison to that of the bio parents or the adoptee when an open adoption fails, but I just want to remind everyone that it does occur for us (adoptive parents) also.

Answer 7

Me and my husband want to adopt but we would like the adoption to be an open adoption so that the birth parents can be as much involved in the child's life as we would be because we would like the birth parents to be involved in their child's life as involved as they would want to be its their decision.

Answer 8

I don't know anybody IRL who is in an open adoption.  I was adopted in the early 70's and as in the "style" of the era, my adoption was closed, as were the adoptions of my adoptee friends.

I have read the Girls Who Went Away.  And I couldn't finish it.  I thought a lot about my n-mother; she wasn't sent away but she faced the same attitudes and discrimination.  I feel just sick to my stomach for her and for all the women from that era who went through that.

The sad thing is, it hasn't completely gone away; even though single motherhood is much more widely acceptable in soceity today, we still have these maternity homes!!  And there are still parents who refuse to support their young daughters if they should "get themselves pregnant" (umm...kinda hard for a girl to get herself pregnant, aint it?? Why do we still let the men get away scot free?)  

I don't know what I'm trying to say, lol.  I'm just saddened that women still aren't valued in this day and age.  Even by other women; we compete, we degrade each other, we devalue one another.  It's sad when we should be sticking together and bringing one another up.

There is a forum, soul of adoption, with some cool AP's with very open adoptions.  If you'd like to chat with some AP's in open adoptions, check it out.  Of course the membership there runs the gamut but it's a triad-based forum and there's quite a few members there who are very respectable.  (And there's an n-mom section too)

Edited to add:

PAP = Prospective Adoptive Parent

IRL = In Real Life

:)

Answer 9

My goal is to finish reading "The Girls Who Went Away" some day.  I can't get past the first 2 chapters without breaking down.

I do not think there is a book about broken promises in open adoption.  However, I suggest that you contact Heather Lowe, a writer who whose open adoption of her child was closed by the adoptive parents.  Her excellent guide for women considering adoption can be found at:

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

Also, see the WEB site below for two very sad stories about "birth" mothers who took their own lives because of open adoption lies.  One of these mothers lost her child to the author the the book, "Fast Track Adoptions".

http://remembercindy.com/

I get the feeling that there are very few truly open adoptions, and I admire both sets of parents who work very hard to make open adoption a reality for the sake of the child.  More often open adoption is begrudgingly offered by the potential adoptive parents as a "carrot" to scam "birth" parents into giving up their babies.

Answer 10

I did read the book...heart wrenching!  What really amazed me was not the institutional deception...but rather the way the girls' families (specifically parents) lied, bullied, and intimidated them into poorly thought out decisions.  So sad.  I hope things are better now days.

Answer 11

IRL = in real life

PAP = prospective adoptive parent.

Yes this book is awesome.  It really gave me a clue as what my natural parent went through.