Would it be detrimental to my son for me to get back together with his dad?

Question

My son is 15 months old. His dad and I have been on again off again since knowing one another basically. We never physically fought or anything like that. We did argue a lot, but never in front of our son.

He's never paid child support to me. It was court ordered almost a year ago. The only money I've received from him was $160 that was garnished out of his paycheck (and then he quit the job) and then child support enforcement intercepted his income tax, and his rebate.

He did spend $200 on christmas presents for our son.

He has worked maybe a total of four weeks since our son was born. I have gotten a full time job, my own apartment, and enrolled in school which I started in January (going on my third semester with a 3.5 GPA).

He has not been around our son that much, and in fact, the times that he has, my son has just screamed in the same way he does when he is around people he doesn't know. His dad moved to another state in February, so he hasn't had any contact with him at all in over 6 months.

I have never kept our son away from him. I've tried from day one to get him to be more active in our son's life. Even if he wasn't helping out financially, as long as he was willing to actually be in his life everyday and help with things, I was okay with that. But he didn't even want that. He would complain and get mad the few times I asked him to change a diaper, or even check a diaper. He didn't want any of the responsibility of raising a child. He's 36yrs old and also has another child from a previous marriage. (he doesn't pay child support to her either, but that's another story I guess)

Anyway - some things happened, and he has gotten a "wake up call." And is swearing that things are different, he wants to work and provide for this family, etc. And I really don't know if I believe him.

Part of me wants to believe that everyone is capable of changing and should be given a second chance, but I have given him chance after chance after chance to be a father to our child, and everytime he chose not to be.

My son does not do well around people he doesn't know. I understand this is his father, but he doesn't know or understand that. I have friends that have literally been around my son since he was born, maybe not in an every day sense, but they have seen him 2-3 times a month or more and my son still gets scared being around them.

I obviously don't have a choice in his dad being down here, as he has friends here who have already told him he can move back in with them, which he is going to do in September, so I feel like I am stuck. I don't not want my child's father in his life, but I also don't want my son being terrified of having to be around someone he doesn't know.

His dad was not given any visitation rights either. Well, he was only given supervised visitation, which is at the discretion of the court appointed supervisors (my parents). So technically, he doesn't have to have any visitation at all.

I don't know what to do and I've been going back and forth on all of the potential positives and the potential negatives. And I figured I would ask you guys for your advice.

Please no rude or mean comments. =)

Thanks for reading!

Answer 1

what i think you should do is weigh up the pros and cons. if you feel that he has changed then maybe he has. trust your instincts and just remember that if it doesnt feel right to you then you will not be happy with your decision down the track and that could have an impact on your son. maybe a trial period would be good. if you want to get back with him then try saying that you want to try and make it work for a few months but make sure he is aware that if it doesnt work out this time it never will. as for your son, at his age he is very resiliant and he will eventually get used to his dad being around. another tip i will give you from my experience is that kids are a great judge of character and maybe your sons reaction to this person could be a sign for you to beware. when it comes down to it though it really is your choice. if you decide to go ahead and get back with him and it doesnt work out there are alot of men out there who are nice and dont mind taking kids into a relationship. i have 3 children to 2 different fathers and my husband treats the 2 oldest like they were his own. so they do exist. hopefully everything works out for you. good luck

Answer 2

Nothing against the father but to me your way to good for him.But i think if you give him a chance you should actually wait until he gets a job and everything else he said he would and then you can decide if you want to get back together with him.good luck =]

Answer 3

for me personally, actions speak louder than words

Answer 4

Why in the world do you want to go back with that loser. He doesn't sound like he is very responsible. He is probably going through some personal issues right now knowing he can't have his old lifestyle back. He needs to grow up, he already has two kids. Please don't get back with him, you need to make a final decision on if your going to be with this guy or not. Your child will only really get screwed up if you guys are on again of again for the rest of his life. You also need to be more mature, you have a baby and your top priority shouldn't be who to go out with (not that I'm saying it is). Worry less about this loser and more about your child and making his future better. You have some thinking to do. Good Luck :)

Answer 5

Your son can have a relationship with his father regardless. As long as the communication lines are kept open and you both consider what is in the best interest of your son then he will be fine!

If his father chooses to have limited contacted with his son that cant be helped. You cant force him to have a relationship with his son.

I dont beleive getting back together is a solution either. If you have a history of a "on again" "off again" relationship I believe that would be more damaging.

I think as long as the communications lines are kept open between your ex and your son and a relationship is allowed to grow (if that is what your ex wants), then you wont need to worry about your son saying that you "kept him away" in the future!

Answer 6

I am usually the first one to say try and keep the family together. But this time, I am not sure.  His track record is lacking in necessities to say the least.  (Maturity, providing support, financial or emotional)

You seem to be making a good life for yourself and your child on your own, and   I applaud you for that.  

If I were in your position, I would continue on my own, or until I met someone else.

He may change,he may even really want to, but it would not last long.  

Sorry

Answer 7

I think you and your Son are better on your own than to get back together. He sounds like a lazy, idle no hoper.

Answer 8

This bloke said all or nothing to you !!!

Who does he think he is giving you an Ultimatum.

And you still talk to him… father of your child or not he has no right to say that to you.  Tell him where to go.

He sounds like a bloody waster.  

Your child would be better off without that type of male role model in his life.

Answer 9

Well you just listed all the reasons to NOT get back with him, so I really don't see why you would want to. Clearly he is a deadbeat and you are completely aware. It's best to just raise your son and move on with your life.