My 13 year old adopted daughter is having a baby

Question

I adopted Lacey through a "big sister" program 4 months ago, when she was 13 years old. In the past few weeks i notices her belly had been getting bigger so I confronted her on it. It turns out she was pregnant. She had not told anyone about this, there for I was not notified at the time of the adoption. Lacey is insistent on having and keeping the baby, saying this is her only blood family left. I'm not sure what to do...can I be mad at her? Can I insist on putting the baby up for adoption, can I send Lacey back? (not that I want to) I cannot have a baby in my house right now, as i am finally at a place in my life where I am very happy. I work full time, have my daughter Lacey, and I don't think I'm financially able to support a second chid at this time. I just don't know what to do! Someone please help me!

I talked to her about this "miracle" came about, and she would not give me a straight answer. I no she came from a not-so-good foster family... and I have a strong feeling this may not have been her choice. Should this affect what I do, knowing that she did not just "climb into bed with someone"

I myself was pregnant at age 15. I wanted to keep the baby, so I was sent to a group home. My daughter died at age two, because I was not a good mother, and did not keep her safe. I don't want Lacey to go through what I did. I lost my parents, my daughter, pretty much everything. But i rebuilt my life, and now its crashing back down again. I thought adopting Lacey would be the final step to rebuilding my $hitty life, my daughter Faith would have been 13 this year. But she won't be, because i was an unfit teen mother, with no family support. I really want to support Lacey, but I just don't know if I will be able too. I don't think the baby will have the best possible life staying with us.

Answer 1

I think it's too late to "send Lacey back" you blew it! have fun grandma

Answer 2

your story is sad. Don't give Lacey a hard time cause she went through a lot already. I think you should let Lacey keep the baby. Maybe it's something she was forced to maybe she experienced a rape or something and the one did it threated her if she says anything? I think you should help her and make her get a job.  

Answer 3

you really think she will put the baby up for adoption after knowing how its like? I dont think so!

so i baby will make your life unhappy? your not making any sense. you are obivously thinking about sending your 'daughter' bac if you posted that question on here. if you dont want her to turn out like you then support what she wants. its her body and her life. not yours.

Answer 4

I wouldnt have her put it up for adoption or anything, seeing as how she was a foster child she may not want her child to go through that. Try talking to her and finding out who the father of the baby is, how old he is and make sure it wasnt rape. Sorry for your past but seeing as how she has you to be there for her she should be just fine.

Answer 5

Well help her to become a good mother, why would you make someone with no parents who gave up their child do the same thing to her child. She's seen how horrible it can be and does not want to put her child through this, it doesn't always turn out good. I know I could never give up a child unless it had health issues and was recommended and even so I would be devastated. Tell her its her choice to do so, but she has to be the one taking responsibility for it.

Answer 6

please don't make her put the baby up for adoption that is so wrong after she went through the whole thing you said it yourself "I no she came from a not-so-good foster family"... so you know as well that the baby could have a bad life as well this is your chance to do right and help bring up this child the right way and teach her to be a good mother support her you may not be able financially but there are places and programs you can go to to get help with money and clothes and all things like that you will get through this! first things first get her to a doctor right away and make sure all is well with baby second go to your local WIC office and sign her up for it you guys will get milk cheese eggs juice etc. that will help out alot and then make sure you tell her that going to school is very important right now and make sure she goes then you know you could apply for food stamps or anything else you cant afford depending on the state i know in  pa they help with lots of different things like a car clothes etc. good luck and you sound very young? well IM or email me if you need to talk?!

Answer 7

I think you are reliving a lot of the fears you felt when you were pregnant. This is a great opportunity to correct the mistakes you made

You are not alone this time and neither is she. It is a chance for you to hhelp someone not to go through what you did but don't force any decision on her that you would not want forced on you.

Treat her like a adult and tell her your feelings and listen to hers and come to the right decision together. Life is never easy but this time you have each other

Answer 8

Wow.... that's one tough story.

Being mad will do no good.  It sounds like Lacey is in need of support at this point... and I don't mean just financially.  Continue being her friend and confidant.

Emily Dickinson wrote:  "If I can stop one heart from breaking, then I have not lived in vain."

Don't focus on the past.  Plan for the future.

Answer 9

Well I don't think that you can send her back. But I think that you should support her decision what if your daughter had lived and she was in the position that Lacey is in now, whould you help her? If you had help and support in your life when you where younger your baby might of lived. I think that you should give her all of the help and support that you never had. The baby might not have the best life possible but it will have a life and a chance! That is just my opinion.

Answer 10

I think you should confront Lacey about this, and tell her that getting an abortion (not that I agree with that, or disagree) or putting the baby up for adoption would be the best thing.

Set some ground rules with her, no going out, no drinking, always eating healthy, and that she (eventually) has too get a job.

Start her off now with some volunteering, so she understands the environment of a busy work place. Make her do more chores.

I'd say the best advice anyone can give you is talk to her about the baby. Make sure she knows that she's making the right decision.

Let her know that it will hurt BOTH of your lives tremendously.

I'm very sorry for your situation, I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 11

I think you should let Lacey keep her child. I know you can't afford another child in the house right now... you said that having a child at 15 was bad for you because you didn't have the support you needed. Lacey should keep this baby... even though it's going to be hard, she'll always have you for the support. Just because your teen years wasn't that good... it doesn't mean Lacey's is going to be just as bad. She has you.

I think this will have an affect...

And you got to trust her not to climb in bed with a random guy... besides THAT,  you got to tell her all the responsibilities she's going to have to face and deal with maturely ...

Ok, I don't think I should be answering this question... I think you need people who understand what you're going through... I'm only 14... but um.. what lays above is just MY opinion. But in the end, it really depends on you. Whatever you chose to do, make sure it's what you want, and what you feel is the right thing.

I'm really sorry I didn't help...

Good luck, though.  

Answer 12

She's 13, and if you suspect she was raped then you'll have to talk to someone about that.  Aside from that, this is your chance to find out what families are all about.  You have learned from your past, you can help this girl.  Think of the future, think about this baby she's having, work with her if you can, not against her.  Please don't ask her to put it up for adoption - that just takes away a person's roots.  Yes it will be tough, and you will have to be unselfish, but the potential benefits are massive.  This girl needs help and she needs looking after.  You're her surrogate mother, she has no-one else.  

Answer 13

What ever you do. Do not!!!!!! give her back, It would devastate her. Support her as much as you can. And if she wants to keep the baby then she can legally. But pretend giving her back is not an option.

Answer 14

Does she know what you went through? Explain it to her. Tell her how hard it will be. And then tell her that you promise if the child goes up for adoption you will make sure they go to a good home. It won't be right for the baby to have a bad life. It wont make things better for you or Lacey either. Tell her that if she does give it up for adoption, she will still be able to see and visit her baby. Make sure the parents agree to those terms. I know it's hard, but it's the choice that needs to be made.

Answer 15

If she wants to keep the baby I guess it is her decision to keep it, minor or not.  You could send her back, but you don't know what would happen to her and that would probably hurt if you love her.  Maybe Lacey was sent to you for a reason and it's part of a plan of your life even if you may not realize it?  I wish I could be more helpful, ultimately it is your decision...but I'll pray for you and your family and hope that you will find the answer that you need.  Good luck.

Answer 16

I know 13 is young to have a baby. But you might as well figure out a way to help her keep her baby. Or find an agency or someone who will. Shes lost everyone else in her life.

You loved her enough to adopt her... now you got to love and take care of what possibly comes with the teen.

There are agencys to help her with care, education, medical, etc. Even clothes and stuff for the baby.

Its highly possible forcing her to give up a baby will only get her wanting to be pregnant as little as months later.

Good luck

Answer 17

You and I know the best thing is to have the baby put up for adoption.Tell her that she won't be able to finish school and enjoy her time in high school. Tell her your not financiallly able to care for a child. Tell her it's a huge responsibility to care for a baby,  she won't be able to have a job and care the baby, she'll have to do without a lot of things, like nicer clothes, makeup, going places with you ,like vacations,Shes's just not old enough to even understand what she's facing with a baby on the way.Good luck.

Answer 18

Awww, wish I could give you a hug. So sorry to hear you lost your daughter, and what a tough situation you're in.

It seems like Lacey is in a similar situation to what you were in, when pregnant with your daughter. Her reason for wanting to keep the baby (it's the only family she has left) is a very valid reason and if you think back to your own situation, I'm sure you would have wanted to keep your baby if you were her now. Try and put yourself in her shoes and think about how she must be feeling at the moment.

I think some counselling for her would be a good move, and maybe some counselling together would also be helpful. Try and find out how the baby was concieved and perhaps a bit about the father if you can, all helpful information to have to help make the decision.

You're having doubts about whether you'll be able to support another child. That's very understandable, but if you do decide to keep the baby, I'm sure things will work out ok. Talk to Lacey, tell her your concerns and explain why you feel the way you do. If you decide to adopt the baby out, maybe an open adoption would be the way to go. That way Lacey can still keep contact with her child, see it sometimes and it's not like she'll have to give it to strangers and never see it again.

Follow your heart, a birth mother is always best for a child, and even better if that mother can provide everything for her baby. You are feeling guilt etc that you weren't able to provide for your daughter and she died because of decisions you made, maybe this is an opportunity to try again. As far as financial side of things, money doesn't always make someone's life good. It's love, sharing good times, and feeling like you're valueable to someone else. As long as you have enough money for the basics, food, rent etc everything else will fall into place. I grew up in a large family, and we didn't always have much money. At times we hardly had enough to eat but we made it through because our parents loved us, and taught us that having money didn't necessarily mean happiness.

Ultimately it's your decision, and I hope you make the right one for all involved. I would suggest you wait until the baby is born before you make a final decision though, it might help you and Lacey accept the reality of the situation, and make the right decision. Good luck to both of you, and the new baby. I hope it works out for you. xox

Answer 19

Let Lacey keep her baby! It's her BABY, she should decide!

When your baby died it might have been because no one helped you with it, think of this baby as your GRAND DAUGHTER/SON! Mabye you made the wrong choice, but Lacey might know what she's doing!

If Lacey's baby dies then that sucks of coarse, but if she never gets to see it grow up she'll always be wondering, since I breed dogs I always wonder what the puppies I have sold are doing, learning, thinking, and looking like, all the time, and those are dogs, dogs and children are almost the same so I think that you should let Lacey decide.

Answer 20

I feel really bad for you and your daughter, what an awful situation.

I think you really need to tell her all this that you have just written on here to us. If she knows how you feel and most importantly why then she will be able to understand your point of view and listen to you. She will also be able to see that you actually have personal experience in this sort of situation and are not just imposing your opinion on her.

Sounds like you do not have a real objection in her keeping this baby but you are mainly worried about how it will affect your lives and whether it will be happy and have the best life.

Really importantly you need to realise you did NOT let your baby down all those years ago, you were young and did not have the family support and by the sounds of it had no other support either be it from the baby's father or some sort of social/child services. Okay you were maybe too young to have a baby BUT your age and family circumstances should have been addressed better and you given more help. It's not your fault.

If this guilt that you obviously are still carrying around with you all this time is affecting your feelings on whether you can support your new daughter and her child then maybe you could get some counselling for it because it's not too late, there's no time limit on things like this!

Ultimately this is a situation that only you and Lacey can figure out the solution too but you have the oppourtunity to make something of this new life, i am definately definately not saying that this new baby could replace the child you lost but you might (possibly) gain some sense of peace from it, don't let the only reason you put your foot down be that you do not have the confidence to support your daughter (who you clearly love) after what happened to you when you were younger, you are an adult now, saw whatever mistakes you made and have the maturity to deal with better now. Imagine if you had had someone like you who was there for you when you had your baby and the difference that support and love could have made.

But there is the matter that you think Lacey was probably not a willing partner in how this came about. She could face issues about this at some point in the future that she is not now or is suppressing, and if she was to have problems looking after her baby because of this then you would have to be there for her and for the baby (barring having it taken into foster care), You could maybe try talking to her again and ask her if she has thought about how she would feel about the baby once it was born considering how it came about (in a subtle way obviously) and possibly even suggesting counselling if she is open to the idea and has admitted it to you.

FInancially no one is probably truly ready for another baby but if you want to work then you can make it happen.

Don't feel i am telling you what to do whatsoever, just giving suggestions/my ideas, it's your house, your choice.

Hope this helps some, all the best to you and your daughter =)

Answer 21

omgsh., im very sorry about ur baby<3

ok you need to get some help!and figure out what you would like to do!

im not really sure if you should send her back, that would be veryy rude i guess.

im only a teenagerr  ((15)) so im not up for givingg advice

but i do hope you find a way<3

and im very sorry i wasn't much help!

i'll keep you in my prayerss!!

good luckk<333

kristen<3!

hope i helped!

Answer 22

tell her to put it up for adoption or send it to a foster family/home if you can, and stay in touch with them so she can be in her kids life or take the kid back (foster family probably wouldnt want her to) but a foster home might. if you can send babies there i dont know. and it shouldnt affect what you do unless you plan on punishing her... either way shes pregnant and she wants the baby.