Confused about AA / Codependency / etc...?

Question

I think I am confused. I thought I was an alcoholic and went to AA. Then I also decided to get a therapist. I found out that I'm codependant. I also realized that most of my times when I drank a lot were around boyfriends, or breaking up with boyfriends, etc. I have never "shaken" or drank during the day, but I definitely did like to drink excessively on occassion. And I did end up with a DUI. I blew a 0.11. Somethings I like about AA, some of the people are nice and some of the ideas are nice. However, I'm not comfortable with the "Big Book" or "Steps" I don't relate to it. I'm stuck on step 1. All people tell me is to try some controlled drinking. What I really want to do is be more independent and not allow booze, or men to effect the good things in my life or taking care of myself. Why would controlled drinking experiments be helpful right now? I just got out of an abusive relationship and REALLY want to focus on myself. However, I don't know what to do with the AA thing. I don't even know if I'm an alcoholic, but I'm scared if I am and I act like I'm not I'll end up miserable. Sometimes I want to have a drink with my non AA friends and I can't, and my AA friends and sponsor tell me to stay away from "those people" but I am sick of my AA friends and their bizarre behaviors. I have no idea what I'm doing, so any and all input is appreciated.

Answer 1

I'm a recovered alcoholic and former member of AA, and have been abstinent from alcohol for 10 years.

What I find fascinating here is that you don't like AA, don't like the steps, don't think it's helping you, and yet you are afraid to leave.  This is a perfect example of how fear-based the program is.  Honey, I AM (or was) an alcoholic (a very bad one too) and I don't go to AA and I am just fine!

What they will never tell you in AA is that even for people who do have a drinking problem, AA's success rate is not impressive.  It's a hard group to study directly since they don't keep track of anything (how convenient, eh?) but the studies that have been done on AA-based treatment show at best a tiny positive effect.  At worst, the studies show that people who have been exposed to AA actually get worse: worse relapses, higher rates of binge drinking, much higher rates of suicide (especially among those with co-occurring mental illness).

Now, the sheep in AA who are telling you to try some controlled drinking are just following the directions in the big book (if you have one, look at page 31, near the bottom).  They are betting that you'll crash and burn and come back ready to buy what they are selling.

For more information check out the orange papers online.

Good luck and remember this: you are NOT powerless over alcohol.

Answer 2

I'm in recovery for 6.7 years. Over the years, I've learned that the steps include all of the areas of my life that have become a problem for me, not just the drinking and the drug use. Addiction is a disease which effects a person's thoughts, actions, impulses, etc. It's about obsession and compulsion to do things that provide instant gratification. Being in recovery as long as I have, I've noticed that my disease has manifested itself in other areas of my life, now that the drugs and alcohol are gone. I've had shaky codependent relationships and compulsive spending habits. Though the steps, I've learned how to arrest these manifestations of the disease. Therefore, though the 12 steps you will be able to take care of the problem of booze and men, and overall, improve your quality of life. I suggest not attempting controlled drinking. Your life could get a lot more out of sorts if you fail at it. Ask yourself, "is it worth it?" Just because a person has not experienced the pain that others may have gone through, or lost as much as they did does not mean that they can not fall to the same level someday if they were to continue drinking. Why not quit while you're ahead? Rather than finding out the hard way.

Alcoholism also tends to be a genetic disease (though, this is not 100% true all of the time). If you have a family member who is an alcoholic, your likely hood of being predisposed to being one is pretty great.

Honestly, codependency has a huge role in alcoholism. If you look up the term, you will see that the two go hand in hand.

Lastly, addiction is the only disease where the person denies that they have it.

PS I personally believe that everyone on earth should have a 12 step program. I know that I'm blessed to be involved in one. What normal person has the opportunity to share about their feelings, their day. or how their life is going to a group of caring people, who don't usually judge you for what you've done or where you've come from? It's truly the best thing that's ever happened to me. Though, it did take me a couple of years to come to this realization. Stick and stay, sweetie. It's certainly worth it as time goes on!